It’s raining in Nebraska. It’s been raining for days. How do people do this? The ones who live in places like Seattle? How do you find pep, energy? How do you hold onto a good mood?
For me, when the view outside my window is dark and dreary, I tend to wrestle with the urge to drink. Call it boredom. Call it just wanting to liven things up, but it’s all too easy to fantasize that I’m holding a neat whiskey in hand, lying under a blanket, watching Netflix. I’m not at work, staring at my keyboard, dealing with snippety coworkers, no. I’m at home. I’ve got the curtains closed, the dogs at my feet, and I’m drooling over the sunny, Hawaiian background on Forgetting Sarah Marshal. The kids are happy, Facetiming with friends. The hubby is poring over his new “car” magazine. And I’m content right where I am. In the moment. With Mr. Maker’s Mark as company.
Garr…… I’ve got to stop doing this. My little “fantasies?” They are what lead me to fix a cocktail. It’s all these memories I have, all these times when I enjoyed drinking; there are so many of them implicitly entwined with my life. Late high school, college, my twenties, my thirties, alcohol has been present in so many of my social outings I could never possibly count. I wish I could say they all ended poorly, that I was constantly getting sick, that I was forever making horrible decisions, but this wasn’t the case. I mean, sure, I did some stupid stuff while intoxicated. And yep, I definitely prayed to the “porcelain God” more than once. But there really aren’t enough bad memories to outweigh the good. Not even close. This isn’t me looking back with rose-tinted glasses. This is me being honest.
It’s why it’s so hard to say I want to give up alcohol for good. Go periods of long stretches? Do a “Dry January”? Abstain for two months? Yeah, I feel like I could agree to this. I’ve done it successfully in the past year. But to say I will never drink again? That just…. that just feels like a lie. Like I know I’m incapable (right now) of carrying it out.
Especially on a day like today. When it’s raining.
I will try, though. Tonight, when I get home from work, I will fix myself a hot cocoa. I will throw in a bunch of extra sugar, you know, lots of marshmallows and whipped cream. I will take this with me to the couch, curl up under a blanket, and reach for the TV remote. Hopefully Forgetting Sarah Marshall is available to stream. I could really use some sunny skies.