I did something. This morning when I discovered that my corporate office will take care of your first ten therapy visits (should you need them), I decided that I would take advantage of this. I decided that maybe God was leading me to. I scheduled an appointment with a licensed therapist named Becky. I go see her over my lunch hour on Tuesday, September 14th, from noon to 1:00. I’ve filled out her online questionnaire, and I’ve put it in my calendar.
I don’t know what all I’ll say to her, don’t know how I’ll word what it is I’ve been going through the past year or two, but I feel that it’ll be okay. She’ll ask the right questions to prompt me to talk. I’m not sure what my expectations from this are (one of the questions I was asked online), I’m more inclined to think that I just want to have someone actually listen to me, to not judge me, someone who could provide concrete advice. Or at least point me in the right direction.
I am afraid, though, that after she hears me talk about my loneliness in my marriage as of late, she’ll ask to schedule a couple’s therapy appointment. I don’t want to involve Rob in this. I want this to be about ME. I want this time I set aside to go see her be MY opportunity to get stuff off my chest. If Becky can give me advice or give me reading material, etc., I’ll do my part. I’ll try my best to follow what she says, read what she assigns. I’ll even complete whatever exercises she’d like me to give a go. But I don’t want to CAUSE problems in my marriage. I don’t want Rob thinking AT ALL that our marriage is in jeopardy. Because it’s not. It’s more like I’m in jeopardy. I’ve hit a point in my life where I guess I feel useless outside of being a wife and Mom. I feel adrift. I feel…. blah. I want to reconnect with the girl I used to be, the one who traveled to Australia with a bunch of strangers for a class overseas, the girl who moved to Denver without any family or friends, the girl who took a job with a pharmaceutical company b/c it paid out an awesome salary and she wasn’t deterred by the challenge, the girl unafraid to go after what she wants, to make changes where needed, a girl who has a spine again, who has a sense of direction.
I want to know how you make friends (and keep them) as a woman in her forties who doesn’t drink. I want to rekindle the romance in my marriage and not feel like I’m being “needy.” I want to be able to set boundaries with those who ask or expect too much out of me. I want to be able to still my thoughts and not wake up in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep for hours. I want, I want, I want. I’m hoping Becky helps solve the problem of “how to.” We’ll see, I guess…
The other thing “I did” this morning was reach out to a local tennis pro and inquire about Adult Drill Sessions. He told me of one on Saturday mornings from 9:00 – 10:30 that costs $22.50 and is drop in. I may try and go this Saturday as long as my son doesn’t play doubles in his tournament during this time.
Who knows? I could like the session and want to go again. I could meet new people, possibly a new female friend. At the very least, I’ll get a chance to practice hitting balls and burn some calories. It’ll be a good workout. And it’ll be something just for me.
I’m still hoping this Sunday, Rob, the kids, and I will make it to church. We haven’t been as a family in a long while, and it’s so important that we bring Christ to the forefront of our lives.
I think, overall, I’ve made some powerful decisions today, and most importantly, I’ve “acted” on them. Now, I just need to follow through.